Making the victim the perpetrator.

One of the sad realities for sexual abuse survivors is that some of the people around them, even and especially their own family, turn them into the perpetrator, rather than the victim.

Some family will continue to talk to the abuser. Some will pretend they didn’t hear you when you tell them what happened or is happening. Some will call you a liar, tell you you’re attention seeking, or that it was an “accident”, he/she didn’t mean it. Some family members will attack you, turn everything around, tell you what an awful person you are, that you’re tearing the family apart.

You will be ostracized. Shamed. Made to doubt yourself and second guess what really happened. You will question whether you should have said anything at all. They will isolate you. If any of them confront the abuser, you can pretty much count on it that he will lie out his teeth. He doesn’t want anyone to know what happened, so of course he/she will lie. Some will go as far as to ask you how you provoked it.

In those times when you doubt yourself or feel ashamed or any number of other confusing things, remember…you are the victim and you are not and never were the perpetrator. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay to cut off anyone who hurt you or is continuing to hurt you even if they are family. Toxic people are toxic regardless of who they are to you. It isn’t your fault and it wasn’t your fault. Some people will disagree with me on this next one but it’s okay to be angry. If being angry helps you process your pain and trauma then be angry. They took something away from you that you can never get back and they did it in an awful, unacceptable way. If you don’t want to forgive them, then don’t. As long as you don’t let your anger fester and hurt you then feel however you want to feel, that is your right. You are strong, you are a survivor, and they can never take that away from you unless you let them.

This is not your secret is it theirs. This is not your shame it is theirs.

Categories: Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, PTSD, Rape, Self Esteem, Sexual Abuse


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