I feel like I am failing right now. I know that it’s a high possibility that this is just my brain doing what it does and filling me with negative self-talk, but I feel so much shame and sadness for no reason. I am so overwhelmed. I’m not sure if I will even post this. I just had to write to get it out somehow some way. Without taking shots, or cutting, or numbing the pain, day in and day out with anxiety pills “as needed.” So I sit here alone, crying. Thankful for once that my husband is not here to see it because I don’t want to conceal it, try and explain it, or wipe the tears away.
I want to feel like this. I don’t even want to explore why I feel this way. If it’s my current class in school and the asshole teacher I have, if it’s medication changes, work stress, family stress, COVID stress. I don’t care. There’s a song I have been listening too lately, and it says,
Zhavia Ward-Deep Down
“I don’t even know how I feel lately, I don’t even know what’s real lately.”
I understand that lyric in my soul. It seems like my life is a series of mistakes. That I consistently wander off the right path into that dark forest with all the signs that say, “TURN AWAY,” “DO NOT ENTER.” I wish I had a friend like me, someone who knows what it’s like to have Bipolar and to feel like this. Someone who could sit in silence with me and just…know. It’s hard always feeling alone, even in places full of people.