I can feel my mental health slipping right now, and it is rough. I waited too long to fill a few of my medications, and of course, they won’t be here until the end of next week, so that’s fun. I haven’t really been taking care of myself either. I just kind of jump in the shower, quick wash, and jump out. I’m not shaving, I’m not wearing makeup or jewelry, and I don’t dress up for work anymore because I don’t see anyone but my boss. It is affecting my self-esteem significantly. My face has broken out from stress. The current weight of the world and all that is going on is overwhelming. Honestly, the only way I know how to cope anymore is to write.
I came home and took a long bath, I tried to give my self some extra attention and care tonight, but I don’t feel any better. I feel exactly the same-heavy and a little bit lost. Every day seems exactly the same as the next and the one before it. The scenery never changes, my feelings never change, my fear never changes.
I can’t browse in the market, I can’t buy a new shirt, I can’t browse leisurely at the antique mall with my mom. I don’t even know if I can see my therapist in person at this point, to be honest. I can’t go on a date with my husband or see my friends. I am naturally an extroverted person, and it is making me so sad. Sure, I have constant contact with them all, every few days, even, but it isn’t what I need.
If that weren’t enough, my scheduled surgery to have my right ovary and fallopian tube removed was postponed due to COVID-19. I understand the reasoning behind this, but now I am having pretty bad pain that is steadily increasing more every day. My doctor says this could be because the weight of the cyst is starting to twist my ovary. If this is the case, I may actually have to go into surgery after all. I am going in for an ultrasound soon to see what is going on. This is both good and bad. If I am rescheduled for the surgery, the pain will stop, but I’ll be in the hospital during a pandemic. If it doesn’t get scheduled, I will be in pain for who knows how much longer, AND it could still twist landing me in emergency surgery anyways, with a surgeon I don’t know or trust.
Quite simply, I am tired. As I’m sure, we all are. I am tired of school, of work (even though I am grateful to have a job, don’t get me wrong), tired of not having social gatherings with my friends, tired of feeling wary and run down, and tired of this feeling of ever-present doom that seems to be looming over the entire world right now. So to all of you out there, who feel like this too. Who are feeling stuck, alone, helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed-me too. Hang in there, okay? It has to end. Eventually, we can get through this. One day at a time.
Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)
10 Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’