At the cost of my liver.

Hello. It’s been a while. And for good reason. I feel good. Great in fact, this past month or so. I feel as close to baseline as I can feel. But. There’s always a but.

In my sane, logical, and medicated state, my brain asked me this: are all these meds good for you in the long term? So now I’m concerned.

I want to feel like this. I hate the spiraling out of control I did for so long. The better part of this entire year honestly was spent trying to get my mind back into a healthy place, so I can’t bear the thought of changing my meds again. But what about my body? Especially like, my liver?

I don’t want to hurt myself in the long run either. Is this just the cost of my sanity? Damned if you do damned if you don’t? Are these my only options? Crazy insane or insane crazy?

So I told my doctor I’m concerned. I think he’ll probably taper some things down but I’m nervous as hell. I don’t want to spiral again. I can’t go back there. It’s a terrifying place. Being in the blackness of my mind. Trapped in the dark.

Do I simply accept my defeat, stay on the meds I’m on? I’m just not sure…stay tuned.

https://www.pexels.com/photo/medication-pills-isolated-on-yellow-background-3683098



Categories: Addiction, Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Mania, Mental Health, OCD, PTSD

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6 replies

  1. I know it’s a hard choice. For me the meds are worth it but then again my current cocktail is more about weight gain them my liver. Hugs your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The choice is probably one of the hardest things. It took me 3 years of on and off antipsychotics (8 yrs total if I count other psychiatric meds) to finally tell myself look you either keep bouncing back and forth or you make a decision on way or the other. I chose to stay off the medications. THAT was equally hard. The withdrawal was bad. My psychosis came back and I had to learn how to be with it instead of fighting it or submitting to it. There are going to be challenges with each choice. So the question becomes which consequences are you more willing to tackle?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your insight. I’m just not sure at this point. I want to be stable but at what point are the cons more than the pros?? I am taking it day by day and for now, I have labs scheduled for next week to see how everything is doing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome! A large part of being able to make the decision for me was learning to trust that my body and mind knows what’s best for me. In mental health, we’re often taught to mistrust ourselves, that what we feel is “just our illness” or whatever they wanna call it, but even if our mind is exaggerating senses or creating realities, it’s still trying to tell us something. And being taught to ignore that and mistrust that makes it hard for us to make these kinds of decisions. I trust you will know what’s best for you in the end. And I hope your labs come out okay!

        Liked by 1 person

      • For now I think I’m going to stay on everything and revisit it at a later date. I’m not ready for heavy withdrawals or feeling terrible or dark again yet.

        Liked by 1 person

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