Happiness or…Mania?

The dark clouds start lifting, you feel like you can breathe again. The warmth is seeping back into your bones. The light is returning…or is it? This is one of the worst feelings about bipolar. When you’ve been in a particularly long depressed state and suddenly it feels like you are happy and you feel yourself coming out of it and it turns out you actually aren’t. You are experiencing mania.

You stop sleeping well, you don’t need to eat as much. You feel that familiar euphoric state. You would think this would be welcome after being so depressed, and while yes, it is welcome, it is also terrifying in a sense. You know that it is only temporary. You almost live in a state of fear and anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the euphoria to end, waiting to feel the depression creeping back in.

It’s almost an agonizing acceptance that the depression will be back. A sad anticipation that all good things come to an end so to speak. You patiently await the darkness as if it’s an old friend. You keep taking your meds and living your life, waiting for that moment when it knocks on your door and asks for your payment. It is a ticket you have to cash. You fight it, sure. Every day, but this is the reality of the disease-at least for me, no matter how hard I fight, there are always those times when I am tired. So very tired, and I let the darkness come back and rest with me.

Stay light my friends, if you can,


Photo by Rahul from Pexels

Categories: Addiction, Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Grief, Mania, Mental Health, OCD, Self Esteem, self-care, Suicide

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