I haven’t been writing lately… (PT 1)

By But first, xanax. on October 26, 2019 • ( 3 )

Not sure if anyone has noticed. I just…have been so down that I feel like all my writing is coming from this dark place inside me. I feel like the writing itself is becoming the burden I believe myself to be. My logical mind knows this isn’t true but my bipolar brain repeats these things over and over again to me: you are a burden, you are worthless, you will never be happy again. So I stopped writing. I almost gave into the darkness. I isolated and I cried a lot. I let the voices take me where they would and tell me the things they wanted to tell me. I believed it all. The thing is when it’s this way for so long you are just so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being strong all the time. Tired of the effort it takes to try and feel some semblance of happiness. It doesn’t come naturally anymore and the light seems so very far away.

So I stopped. I stopped writing and I started a pity party. Something I have been fighting away from for about a year now. It just got too hard, too tough. But then this thing happened. As my writing got darker, the outpouring of love got brighter. Friends and family and people I don’t know, through this blog and other social media, said things to me that gave me small slivers of hope. You are loved. You matter. You’re strong. Keep fighting. And I realized something.

I have been fighting this my whole life. I always have and I always will. I have never let the darkness take me this long or this far so why was I now? Because I’ve lost my sparkle. More in a later post on that…

https://www.pexels.com/photo/monochrome-photo-of-person-holding-sparkler-1590174