I have cysts. A numerous amount of them. Sometimes my abdomen aches with the weight of them. The reason I can’t have babies. I loathe them. They have caused me pain and heartache. A womb full of nothing but eggs that won’t come out. Won’t be fertilized. I create nothing but benign growths. I get them removed and my body works against me to create more. Will it ever just stop fighting me?

Sex is different when you stop taking birth control. It changes and becomes more thrilling and almost feels taboo again. Then it becomes a chore when you are constantly trying to conceive and it’s all you can think about. When and if you are ovulating. Are you doing it enough? What is your basal body temperature? Did you let the spermies sit there long enough before you peed? It’s like a whole thing. People don’t understand it unless they’ve been through it; how much actually goes into the process of trying to make a baby (especially if you have any fertility issues).

What I haven’t seen talked about is how you feel when you go back on birth control for any reason, after years of trying to conceive and being off of it. How it feels…almost like you lost something important. Like you are starting over and a whole book is ending at the same exact time. Like, babies in the future are for sure out and you know the possibility is gone but it makes is final. The shoe dropped. The door closed. The…I don’t know any more metaphors but it’s done. It is overwhelmingly sad. It makes sex feel pointless.

I know it isn’t and intimacy is important in a relationship, and I want to feel close to my husband. I know the feelings will lessen and I will feel more myself as time goes on but right now it just feels like numbness. A big fat empty void. Like my body failed me at doing something it was supposed to be made to do, and while I have come to terms with that it doesn’t make it any less painful. So if you are out there, and you are feeling this way too. Just know you aren’t alone in your sadness. I am here, feeling sad too. Deflated like a ballon a kid lost at a carnival. Us women though, we are resilient, we will make it through this. Just like everything else. Right?

Categories: Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Infertility, Love, Mania, Mental Health, Parenting, PCOS, Pregnancy, Self Esteem, self-care, Writing

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