A letter to my father

How can some fathers abandon their children? I cannot understand it. My heart doesn’t have the capacity to. My mind can’t comprehend choosing someone who isn’t your family over your only actual child. Especially being that I cannot have children.

You left me long before my wedding day. I just didnt see it yet. I wasn’t ready to let go. Still clinging to the image of what a father should be, what I wanted you to be all those years of my childhood. I don’t know what’s worse; that you don’t seem to care, or that I’m starting to forget you. The color of your eyes. The lines in your face. What your laugh sounded like.

It’s been five years now without so much as a breath from you. I should not be surprised that you discarded me like an old piece of clothing, I no longer fit into the life you made. I wouldn’t do what you wanted me to do. I became angry. I questioned you. I rebelled. I grew in my opinions. I don’t regret that, but I don’t understand you. I guess I never will.

I am not capable of that level of hurt and selfishness to another person. I could never walk away from my child as you did. I could never put another human through what you put me through. I could never continue talking to the person who molested my child like it never happened. I could never abuse her mother. I could never treat them as an after thought. I could never leave them with the debt you left.

What sickens me is that there are still people in your life that are fooled into thinking you are a good person when you are actually quite the opposite. You’re so manipulative that you would actually have them believe I’m the perpetrator here, and you’re the victim. How could they all be so blinded by you? But, then again, how was I?

I hope you know that someday, you will think of me, in some place, you will be lonely and you will miss me. You will remember me and you will think with regret on what you had and what you lost, but rest assured, from this moment on I will think of you no more. Never again will I cry for you, hurt because of you, try to remember your face. I will not think of you again for the rest of my life. You will not enter my mind again for a single second because you never deserved me, and I finally figured that out.


Categories: Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Infertility, Love, Mania, Mental Health, OCD, Parenting, PCOS, Rape, Self Esteem, self-care, Writing

2 replies

  1. The saddest thing I’ve read today.
    Not everyone is fooled though.

    Liked by 1 person

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