Down the rabbit hole… again

Why do I have to feel this way? I’m so tired of these drastic mood swings. The constant up and down is literally exhausting. I hate feeling so depressed and sad for no reason. Feeling no interest in doing anything. Wanting to sleep my life away and not leave my bed.

I wish I could just think positive thoughts and be happy. I wish it worked that way. I’m over saying, I’m just tired, or I’m just not feeling well. When in reality I can’t drag myself away from my bed.

Going to work everyday is a phenomenal effort. Because I love my job I do it. I pull myself up and get dressed and give it my best. Inside I count the hours until I can lie in bed again being sad.

I try and do things-write, watch TV, play games, but nothing holds my interest or focus. I can’t think on anything too long. My brain is like a blank, deep, black hole. Just filled with sad, dark emotions.

I just want to close my eyes and sleep it off like a bad hangover. Sleep until I’m manic again. Until the sadness lifts and I’m full of energy and light once more. Until I barely need sleep and I can talk, and I’m productive.

I just want…to be normal.

Categories: Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Mania, Mental Health, OCD, Self Esteem, Writing

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