I like being up much more than I like being down. There are downsides with both for sure, like wanting to spend all my money and being hypersexual (more on that later…), but ultimately I’d rather be full of energy and feeling euphoric than sad and very down, sleeping all the time.
I wish that I was up more often than I am down but unfortunately that isn’t the case. The last three days I am way up and I have gotten so much done. I have cleaned out and organized all my clothes, my makeup, jewelry, bathroom, linen closet, and my desk. I have showered every day (yay me!) Eaten mostly every day. Drank too much coffee (not so much yay me…). Mostly slept a normal amount. Gotten some errands done.
It feels nice. It’s the closest thing to normal that I’ll ever feel. Instead of a person with these severe ups and downs that I experience sometimes daily. The worst part about it though it that it is a waiting game. I am always consciously waiting for the downswing to begin. Wondering when I will be back into the depressive low state that I dread so much.
Does that mean that my mood stabilizers aren’t working yet? Am I not on a high enough dose yet? Should I talk to my doctor again? I feel like it’s just becoming my everyday. My baseline so to speak, to be either high or low and never in the middle.
I don’t talk about too much or too in depth with my friends or family because I’m afraid they won’t understand. How can they? They aren’t experiencing it every day. I’m afraid to burden them with my thoughts and anxiety. It’s easier to say, “I’m just really tired today,” instead of telling them the truth. That I can’t be around people. I can’t get out of bed. I can barely even be around my husband because he is people. I can’t form words into thoughts and sentences and I just need to sleep until I feel like me again, and I don’t know how long that will take.
I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. For now, I’m in a manic state and I am feeling happy and I am going to ride it out and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Hopefully longer than normal, because I don’t want to feel sad again.
Goodbye for now…