This Blog and my current state of mind.

I just have to say that this blog has been so amazing for me. It is so freeing to speak about things that are still so stigmatized. It has helped me to feel less shame about my mental illnesses by not only writing about it but also reading everyone else’s experiences and stories. When I started this, though that wasn’t long ago, I was optimistic that it would help me a bit, but not as much as it has. It is quite literally, a virtual therapist for me.

It brings a sense of community seeing that I am not alone, that more people than I ever thought are also going through this. In all different degrees and ways of mental illness. We are all different in our sickness, yet, we are all the same. I have struggled with this as long as I can remember.

My earliest memory of thinking that there was something wrong with me was third grade. I got in trouble at school for telling a little boy something mean. My mom had to pick me up from school and I was so upset that I started crying from the moment I got in trouble, was still crying when my mom picked me up from school, well through dinner and into the night. I cried until I was so exhausted that I cried myself to sleep.

Through high school, it only got worse. I think hormones had a lot to do with that, as well as the usual trying-to-fit-in struggle that all children have. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, I almost feel “normal”. But most days I am just struggling to make it through. Feeling like a speck of dust that could be blown away at any moment.

My question is, should I still be feeling like this? Why am I on all this medication if it doesn’t work. I can’t say it doesn’t work at all, I’ve been off of it and it gets very bad. But shouldn’t I be feeling a significant difference? More good days than bad? Why do I still struggle to get out of bed and generally function? Why do I sleep badly and feel restless?

I would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on all this. Do you still struggle while on medication? What has worked for you through your trials? Please comment below and tell me I am not the only one that is feeling frustrated and hopeless. Thank you all.

Categories: Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Homeopathic Remedies, Mania, Mental Health, OCD, Self Esteem, self-care, Writing

2 replies

  1. Kudos to you! I am still quite nervous about discussing those stigmatized topics and you have explained pretty much exactly how I feel through this post. I definitely still struggle while on meds and have quite the inner turmoil about the meds I have tried, continue to try, and take daily. I am currently on a high dose of lamotrigine and sertraline daily, plus occasional doses of ativan, and then a couple that “help” me sleep. The sleeping ones help me fall asleep which has been difficult in the past, but when I take them, I wake up from horrible nightmares and sometimes panic attacks from dreams. So I often have to choose – do I want to fall asleep quickly or wake up during the night with that dreadful morning panic? Because of this conundrum, I often forego the meds and stay up until early morning hours unable to stop those crazy thoughts rushing around. I agree, very frustrating, and always a gamble. I don’t know if the right concoction is even possible, but I have found I can think clearer when I take my daily meds than when I don’t.
    Thanks for your so relatable post! You are not alone!! 🙂


    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. I went through a period of severe nightmares and my doctor prescribed topamax. It really worked for me. I currently take trazadone for sleep with no side effects. I also take celexa and abilify. I do think it’s time to adjust my doses though as I’m having more bad days than good lately. I encounter the same issue with my sleep meds in the sense that if I don’t take them I cannot sleep, all the thoughts just swirl and won’t calm down. I know that I’m better on the meds but some days it just feels like nothing helps.


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