I just have to say that this blog has been so amazing for me. It is so freeing to speak about things that are still so stigmatized. It has helped me to feel less shame about my mental illnesses by not only writing about it but also reading everyone else’s experiences and stories. When I started this, though that wasn’t long ago, I was optimistic that it would help me a bit, but not as much as it has. It is quite literally, a virtual therapist for me.
It brings a sense of community seeing that I am not alone, that more people than I ever thought are also going through this. In all different degrees and ways of mental illness. We are all different in our sickness, yet, we are all the same. I have struggled with this as long as I can remember.
My earliest memory of thinking that there was something wrong with me was third grade. I got in trouble at school for telling a little boy something mean. My mom had to pick me up from school and I was so upset that I started crying from the moment I got in trouble, was still crying when my mom picked me up from school, well through dinner and into the night. I cried until I was so exhausted that I cried myself to sleep.
Through high school, it only got worse. I think hormones had a lot to do with that, as well as the usual trying-to-fit-in struggle that all children have. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, I almost feel “normal”. But most days I am just struggling to make it through. Feeling like a speck of dust that could be blown away at any moment.
My question is, should I still be feeling like this? Why am I on all this medication if it doesn’t work. I can’t say it doesn’t work at all, I’ve been off of it and it gets very bad. But shouldn’t I be feeling a significant difference? More good days than bad? Why do I still struggle to get out of bed and generally function? Why do I sleep badly and feel restless?
I would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on all this. Do you still struggle while on medication? What has worked for you through your trials? Please comment below and tell me I am not the only one that is feeling frustrated and hopeless. Thank you all.