I am staring at the television but I am not watching it. Nothing feels happy today. It is raining. Normally, I would enjoy the rain. Today it just seems a reflection of my mood. I am tired of not being happy. Tired of fighting to feel like a “normal” person, whatever that is. I am hurting inside and out. My body feels like I have the flu and my head is aching with migraine because I cannot stop clenching my teeth. I am not at work because I feel so terrible and I just can’t keep doing this.
I have a doctor appointment soon but I am feeling hopeless. Maybe I just can’t be fixed. I have no reason to not be happy. I have my husband, my dogs, my home. Amazing friends, great parents. There is no reason for this.
But that’s the thing with mental illness, there is no reasoning. There is no logic to it. No talking yourself to feeling better. No rhyme or reason to anything. And it is exhausting. And draining. And difficult every. Single. Day.
And today, I don’t feel like fighting anymore.