You’ve got a friend in me.

My friends are gorgeous. Like ridiculously beautiful. I’m fairly certain none of them know it, or think it, but they are. And for most of my life, they have been. I just have very pretty friends and I have to honestly say, it sucks.

Have you ever been in a bar and you know, without a doubt, you are the ugliest of your friends? I have. Many times. Especially my best friend, people look right through me and at her. She’s oblivious of course, but she is stunningly pretty.

Just once in my life, I’d like to be the really pretty girl. I know I could look worse, and I’m sure my husband and my mom think I’m pretty, but just once I would like to be the one in the room that everyone stops to watch walk across it. The one that’s breathtaking. While I’ve basically accepted that just isn’t me, sometimes it really, really bums me out.

I’d love to turn heads. The one the guys can’t talk to until they have some liquid courage. Rather than the fat friend in the background, never really feeling like I fit in with the pretty ones. The one with the not as pretty hair, the not as pretty face, the glasses, and the belly.

I love my friends more than anything, they are truly each one, a blessing to me but sometimes you just get sick of feeling invisible. Most times I feel invisible. I act silly, and loud, and obnoxious because I’m trying to cover up my insecurities. People think that’s basically my personality, but honestly I’d rather be quieter, calmer.

I just feel like I’m always trying to live up to some impossible standard I’ll never reach. It’s always swimming there in the back of my head when I look in a mirror. I’ll never be the beautiful one. I’m just standard I guess. And I’m learning to be okay with that.

Categories: Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Homeopathic Remedies, Mental Health, OCD, Self Esteem, self-care

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