Do you ever get so lost in your own thoughts and mind that you feel like you will never come back out? Like a downward spiral of sadness, criticism, self-loathing and pity. Like you will never be happy, ever again. That is pretty much my day today so I am writing. Hoping that pouring all this out will help me work through it. That was the point of this blog, to begin with, wasn’t it? To help myself.
Today I isolated. Someone came to my home to fix our broken water main so I stayed home and I watched youtube videos of people decorating their homes for fall. I think that is where my sadness started. I am tired of this small apartment. Tired of working so hard and not ever moving forward, and not making enough money to do so. I want to come home to a home not what was supposed to be a temporary dwelling place.
I want to decorate for fall. I want a fireplace and a yard. I want to curl up on my couch with a book and hot tea and listen to rainfall on a fall night. I want to live somewhere I feel proud of. Somewhere I can make uniquely ours. I want to have my parents and friends over for dinner and games. I want to host fun parties and have sleepovers with my best friends kid’s. Make cookies in a pretty kitchen and sit on a pretty porch with my dog.
And then I wonder, are any of these thoughts even valid? I missed two of my pills. That usually messes me up. So am I really feeling this way or is it the lack of medication in my brain that is making me feel this way? Sometime I can’t tell the difference and it’s incredibly frustrating. Am I sad or just imbalanced? All I know is, I feel sad. And I am ready for a change.
Categories: Addiction, Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Gardening, Homeopathic Remedies, Infertility, Mental Health, OCD, Organization, Parenting, PCOS, Planting, Pregnancy, Self Esteem, self-care, Travel