I am not my disease.

By But first, xanax. on September 14, 2018 • ( 0 )

Do you ever just get sick of talking about something? Everyone seems to have PCOS, or know someone who does and whenever it gets mentioned there comes the influx of advice, and old wives tales, and what worked for so and so. And I am just so sick of it. There are days I feel like I am my PCOS. Like it is not this whole separate entity but I am actually just a walking disease.

I don’t want the advice, I don’t want to take the medication anymore, I don’t want to read about it, or see it, or hear about it. I don’t want to say one more single word about it. At first talking about it helped. I couldn’t stop talking about it. And reading about it. And researching it. Now I am tired. Tired of being broken. Tired of feeling fatigued all the time. Tired of being fat. Tired of acne. Tired of getting one negative pregnancy test after another. And I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

I want to rant. I want to scream and yell about it. I want to curse it. I want to change it. But I don’t want to talk about it. I want to furious and powerful and angry. I want to wake up and not think about babies for one. single. Day. I want to never again hear the question, “Do you have children?”. And I never again want to have to answer why I don’t.

The hard truth is, I don’t even know if I want children anymore. I think I can live a happy and fulfilled life without a child, and what’s more, I don’t think there is anything wrong with not having one. I have felt for so long that I have to have a child for everyone. But I should want a child for ME. I was so worried about disappointing everyone that I never stopped to think that it is possible to live life without one. Maybe I am too fucked up to conceive? Maybe I have bad genes and bad chromosomes and they wouldn’t make a good child. The only thing I know for sure if that I am done talking about it. Whether I have a child or don’t. I am all talked out.