Stop romanticizing things that hurt.

The first time I cut, I was in high school. My aim wasn’t to die. I learned to cut in the opposite direction of my veins so I wouldn’t bleed out. They started as small cat scratches. I didn’t want anyone to see, and I figured I could blame it on my actual cat if they did. Sometimes I just wore a sweater or a bunch of bracelets. As my anxiety worsened, so did the cutting.

To this day, I don’t watch the news or world events. When I watch these things, it feels personal. As if all the bad things in the world are happening to me. I carry them in my chest like a dead heart, feeling the sorrow and the pain. I see the death over and over in my brain. Hear the screams of mothers and children. See the fires blazing in my mind. As a teenager, it didn’t occur to me that this wasn’t exactly normal. So the worse things I saw or experienced, the more I cut.

Cutting felt like a physical release from all the pain. Like the blood, running was actually all those feelings being poured out onto the floor. The cutting stopped in my late twenties, though sometimes the urge can still be there, at the edge of my consciousness.

I’m still unsure if there’s an actual medical condition for this. Not sure if it’s a by-product of my anxiety or OCD. It’s something I’ve never really mentioned or explored in truth.

Instead, I unplug from life sometimes. No television, cell phone, computer, tablet. No outside world. I simply stay alone sometimes and try to clear my head. I don’t ever watch current events. I only hear about the critical scale things from my husband. I don’t ever look up any news that could make me sad.

I’m tired of people romanticizing these things. Stop making them seem beautiful. They are real and painful, and scary. One wrong move, and I could’ve been gone forever. One time is all it takes. People seem to forget that death is never truly that far away.



Categories: Addiction, Anxiety, bipolar disorder, Depression, Gardening, Homeopathic Remedies, Infertility, Mental Health, OCD, Organization, Parenting, PCOS, Planting, Pregnancy, Self Esteem, self-care, Travel, Wanderlust

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

I survived sex trafficking

My story of survival, desperation, aftermath.. and hope❤️

ANNA WALDHERR A Voice Reclaimed, Surviving Child Abuse

An abuse survivor's views on child abuse, its aftermath, and abuse-related issues

Thorn Mooney

Witch Author | Wiccan Priestess | Covenleader

Once Upon The Wytching Hour

Lost in the woods....

Dowsing for Divinity

Pagan Theology, Poetry, and Praxis

%d bloggers like this: