I’m staring at the screen willing myself to write. Normally I can’t shut up. My brain won’t stop and I have plenty to say. But today I just feel…numb. Devoid of everything. Just going through the motions. Not sad. Not happy. With depression, there are a lot of days like this. It feels personal. Intimate. But I know I’m not the only one. There are probably thousands worldwide feeling this way. Yet I feel alone in it. Completely alone. How can I describe it other than hollowness? Like your being is one big void.
I wanted this blog to be therapy for me. I also wanted to help people. I still want those things but the doubt that is always lurking in the back of my mind is rearing its ugly head telling me that I will not help anyone. That no one would really be interested in anything I have to say. Those worthless feelings creep back in when you least expect them.
So I hold my dog. And pet him. And generally, love on him. Now when I found my dog I did not want to keep him. I had previously tried and failed, with a therapy dog. Heres the story. One fateful day I was in a McDonald’s parking lot and some lady was screaming at me in the drive-thru. I opened my window to see what she wanted and she said there was a dog in front of my car. Naturally, being the animal lover I am, I got out of the car and there he was. This Australian Sheppard mix puppy, all dirty and mangy and terrified. So naturally, I pulled him into my car and brought him home. I fed him, gave him a bath-the whole thing. Then I told my husband (who was off work a few days later) bring him to the SPCA make sure no one is looking for him and that will be the end of it. Friday rolls around and this dog has been an angel. No barking, peeing, chewing. Just a bundle of sweet nervousness. So my husband says to me, “You want me to take him to the SPCA still?”. Well, I’m guessing you figured out the answer to that.
He has changed my life. I always thought the idea of a therapy dog was a great thing but I never thought I would just find a dog naturally inclined to my feelings. As I write he is next to me, curled up, with his paw on my leg. He is always with me when he can be. If I’m having a particularly bad day I just cuddle up with him on the couch and he buries himself in the blankets with me. He is so in tune with me and my anxiety, he finds me when I am sick, or sad. It has been proven that petting an animal relieves stress and releases serotonin, the “happy” chemical. While I know that not everyone has the ability, time, money, or space to get a dog. If you can I one-hundred percent encourage it. Especially for anxiety and depression. Get them young and train them, spend lots of time with them, and they will be your little homeopathic remedy.
P.S. hope this post wasn’t too boring tonight!