While I want this blog to be widespread and resourceful for anyone feeling the weight of a mental health condition, my main goal in starting this was for healing. Healing from past trauma, bad decisions, bad doctors, bad memories. Healing. It’s always something I think I’ve got down and then one day my depression fills me to the bone and knocks me on my ass again. I spent years thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” I feel so much all the time. My mind constantly races. I have to take medication to get any sleep. My thoughts swirl like a hurricane inside my head and sometimes no matter what I do I can’t make them stop. Sometimes they’re just thoughts about what I need to do: lists, errands, reminders. Other times they’re worse. Negative self-talk. A cycle I can’t break away from. My mind says “You’re worthless. You don’t deserve love. You’ll never be normal. You’ll always feel this way. ” Those are the days that are the worst. I feel so very alone.
“Madness as you know, is a lot like gravity; all it takes is a little push.”
-The Joker (Batman)
People’s reactions can be hurtful too. They suggest all types of things. Herbal remedies, prayer. My favorite is telling me to just stop being depressed or that I have no reason to be depressed. Like reason has anything to do with it. What finally pushed me over the edge was the nightmares. When I met my now husband I was having such terrifying nightmares about everyone I know or care about dying in one way or another. Waking up sobbing and screaming. It was not only keeping me up (obviously) but also my husband. I decided right then and there I couldn’t live like that anymore and I made a doctors appointment. But those thoughts they still haunt me on some days. They still whisper that I am a failure. That I will never be good enough for anyone. And the truth of the matter is when that happens you can break out of the cycle. You literally have to tell yourself that it is just your anxieties and depression telling you these things. You have to look in the mirror and say “I am worth it. It’s not a bad life it’s just a bad day.” I know that sounds incredibly cheesy but if you keep doing it and make it a habit it does work the majority of the time. You have to know that regardless of how much medication you do or don’t take, how many doctor appointments and counseling appointments you do or don’t go to, you are your strongest medicine. You have more power than you think. Use it.