It’s summer. August, almost September. Birds are doing bird shit, the sun is shining. It is hot. I have no reason to feel depressed but I can’t get out of bed. Here I am staring at my phone trying to figure out what to tell my boss about why I won’t be in. I can’t tell her I am feeling this crushing weight of sadness for no reason. Or that the thought of seeing another person makes me cringe. Or that physically moving hurts. I can’t say that so I say I am sick. And really, aren’t I though? Isn’t depression and anxiety a sickness? A chemical imbalance in the brain? Why then, in 2018 do we still not talk about it? Why is there still this stigma? It’s hush-hush. And if you do mention it why do people automatically go to “crazy”?

Today is bad. There are some days that aren’t so bad. Today I didn’t want to move. I haven’t eaten. I have had too much caffeine. I started this blog. I don’t want people to think I am whining. That is my biggest fear. I just don’t want people to feel alone like I have for so long.  My husband says I shut down sometimes. He knows there are thoughts racing through my mind but I don’t tell him about it. The problem is putting it into words. Though it seems like I can right now it isn’t always easy. It is incredibly hard to get out of the cycle of anxiety. The thoughts swim around and they are all negative. Mostly negative about myself. How can I explain it? The deep feelings of worthlessness. That is the biggest one. Always feeling like not enough. Like a failure at everything. While I do have an issue with follow-through that I don’t think is related to my mental illness, I am hoping to change that with this blog. At least one post every day trying my best to explain these feelings. Hopefully, it isn’t too boring. I just can’t imagine that I am alone in this. So I will write. As long as it takes, to understand these feelings. And maybe someday work through them. In the meantime, it’s time for my meds…

Categories: Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Homeopathic Remedies, Mental Health

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